What Matters Most? (Kol Nidre 5780)

As some of you may know, in addition to my role as rabbi and chaplain, I also serve – along with several other members of the staff here – as a Vitalize 360 coach. For those who don’t know, Vitalize is the platform of life here, an opportunity to touch base with a staff member to reflect on what is most important to you, and think together about ways to live your life in accord what matters most.

Early in my coaching work, I grappled with how this role connected with my other work here: as a rabbi and chaplain, I offer spiritual support, teach Torah, lead spirituality groups, and conduct services. In that capacity, I offer reflective listening, prayer, and empathic support. I facilitate life review and assist residents in integrating their spiritual beliefs with health and other life changes. But when I work with residents as a coach, I ask people more directive questions, and work with them to create an action plan.

While I still don’t have a clear answer about how these roles fit together, I do know that carrying around the question, “What matters most?” has had an immense impact on me and those with whom I’ve been in conversation. This question is powerful because it has spiritual overtones. It’s one of the questions our ancestors created rituals and sacred times to help us reflect on. To answer to this question, we need to think about who we are, what brings us meaning, and where we find our sense of love and belonging.

*

One powerful ritual that helps us think about this question took place earlier tonight: Kol Nidre. Every year on Kol Nidre, we make amends and aspire to become better people in the coming year. As we approach the Day of Atonement, we yearn to start fresh, to begin with a clean slate. So, on Kol Nidre we annul vows we took consciously or unconsciously: promises we made, or habits we fell into. Vows we made rashly in a burst of enthusiasm. Sincere commitments we later found ourselves unable to fulfill.

Yom Kippur is designed to deepen our capacity for self-reflection: some of us fast, abstain from physical relationships, or dress in white like a burial shroud. As we do, we rehearse the death of the old year, the old self. According to our tradition, in order to begin a new time, we need to release everything from the old time. If we want to enter a new chapter in our lives then we must first let go of what we have been, or thought we would be. Before we can return to God, we must first relinquish everything we have said (or been) and everything we expect to say (or be).

That is what we do this sacred night.

We began Kol Nidre with a declaration of permission to pray with transgressors. Today is a day when the world is left behind, when all barriers between human beings are erased – even those between the righteous and the transgressors – as are the barriers between human beings and the Source of Life. On this day we enter a new dimension, the realm of holiness where the self is negated and we are all equal before the Divine Presence. As Kol Nidre frees us from the bonds we have taken upon ourselves, we take yet one more step away from this worldly life.[1]

Kol Nidre continues with the almost magical incantation of words that affect this release, the actual formula of Kol Nidre. This is followed by biblical verses about Divine forgiveness. The ritual of Kol Nidre has mysterious origins, but its impact on us is palpable – it releases us from guilt, removes the barriers between who we are and who we hope to be. As we accept the limitations that kept us from fulfilling our ideals of who we wanted to be – from “walking our talk”, so to speak, we become more compassionate towards the other imperfect humans in our lives; as we are released from the grip of our own failures, we gain greater capacity to forgive ourselves and others.

*

When I sit with people as a Vitalize coach, you could say we do a mini-Kol Nidre service. We reflect on the past year, and some of its challenges and joys. And we talk about the upcoming year, and what choices this individual might make to live their life in greater alignment with what’s most important to them. For most of us, it’s not so easy to figure out what matters most to us, so we coaches ask a series of questions that help people begin to think about that. The questions that I guide individuals through as a coach can also be good fodder for our next 24 hours of communal and individual reflection.

I invite you, as I share these questions, to sit with one or two that especially speak to you tonight.

Here they are:

●        Which decisions or actions that you’ve taken in life, have brought you the most satisfaction?

●        What brings you joy now?

●        What is the most valuable self-knowledge you have?

And…after all these questions, how might you begin to name what matters most to you this year?

Finally, based on what matters most to you, what is one intention you want to set for the year ahead?

Now I’m going to ask you to really go out on a limb with me here: What is one word that captures the essence of your intention?

Does everyone have a word?

On the count of three, I’m going to invite everyone to say their word aloud, so we’re not putting anyone on the spot, and so we can all witness — and be witnessed in — our intentions for the coming year.

Ready? One…two…three.

Thank you.

*

The final part of Kol Nidre is the Shehechiyanu. As we recite this blessing, we say: Thank you for giving me life, for sustaining me, so I can be here to experience this moment. This blessing is the very essence of the High Holidays. Here we are, the slate wiped clean once again, ready to stand directly in God’s presence with clear and undivided attention.[2] Here we are, ready to let our hearts open to our own shortcomings and those of others. Here we are, ready to accept our limitations, so we can turn our time and attention towards what we can do to live the rest of our days aligned with what matters most to us.

G’mar chatima tova — may we all be sealed for a year filled with happiness, well-being, and the activities and people that matter most to us.

Amen.

[1] “All Bets Are Off”, Rabbi Lawrence Kushner, All These Vows, 2011

[2] Rabbi Arthur Green, These Are The Words