What We Need is Here (Shabbat Vayishlach)

This Shabbat before Thanksgiving, we read about Jacob as he wrestles with himself, and receives a new name. After a lifetime deceiving others and fleeing from the consequences of his actions Jacob finally confronts the pain he has caused. On the eve of his reunion with Esau, twenty years after he took his brother’s birthright, he finally emerges, transformed, from a struggle of conscience

What exactly is it that turns Jacob from his questionable origins into a great leader and a role model for our people?

A few years ago, I went on a week-long meditation retreat with 100 others. After meditating for over a decade, I felt familiar with the formal practice - but in the silence, I began to see how far I had strayed from my deeper self. One day, a teacher on this particular retreat made a comment part way through the week that helped me recognize the ordinary ways we end up living in ways we may come to regret. 

This teacher talked about what she called “if only” mind, a term she used to describe the moments we catch ourselves thinking, “If only…I had more friends, a different family, or more money; if only I lived elsewhere, or felt differently than I do...”. The teacher went on to say this way of thinking leads us to believe we need things to be different before we can truly accept our circumstances. This habit of deferring the present moment can become an unexamined habit and prevent us from being fully alive in the here and now.

Stuck in “if only” mind, Jacob never felt like what he had was enough. Jacob would not have been able to confront himself, and become a father of a nation if he did not recognize his habitual focus on what he didn’t have. On the eve of his reunion with the brother he has betrayed we would understand if he felt he needed more, begged God for protection.

But instead, Jacob turns and does something very different: Jacob prays to God - not with a plea, but with gratitude. He says: “Katonti mi-kol ha-chasadim u’mi-kol ha-emet asher asita et avdecha” / I am unworthy of all the kindness You have so steadfastly shown Your servant.” (Gen 32:11). He has a realization that he already has everything he needs to face his past, take responsibility for his actions, and live with integrity.

Rabbi Dov Linzer, head of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah says: “Gratitude becomes possible when we forgo our sense of entitlement and embrace a sense of unworthiness for all that is good in our lives…”. Jacob expresses the dawning realization he has been the recipient of many blessings: love, family, and material wealth. That he already has exactly what he needs. 

So this Thanksgiving, after the and uncertainty of the last year and a half, I bless us that we, like Jacob, may find a way to quiet our “if only” minds - turn and reflect on all the gifts we have already received. As we do, may we come to accept our lives for what they are, and open our eyes to the blessings each day comes to offer us.